SHOCKING PHOTOS FROM SADDAM MONICA!

During the recent Iraq war, many Hollywood celebrities became political commentators and criticized President Bush for that conflict. The leader of the brat pack was Santa Monica’s own Sean Penn, who made a trip to Baghdad with his camera in a search for weapons of mass destruction and then issued his own report by placing an ad in the New York Times. I found his actions to be inspirational and decided to investigate the atrocities reportedly perpetrated against property owners in Saddam Monica. This is my photographic report.

The first site I inspected was the notorious Rent Control Board Hearings Department, a windowless building where property owners were subjected to thousands of decrease hearings, excess rent complaints and other unspeakable procedures. Known as the “Department of Death” (or “Department of Debt”), landlords were summoned by Rent Board subpoenas or lured by promises of a “fair return” but were then tortured with burdensome administrative procedures. The first photo is the entrance to the Hearings Department as it appears today, and the second is the “relocation camp” where landlords were held before the “hearings.”

The photo above is the new Police Palace. Although Saddam Monica spent very little on its schools, its Police Department was always well funded to assure its loyalty. The design was inspired by the RMS Titanic. Notice the holding cells on the outside wall.

Not far from the Police Palace, I found evidence of weapons of mass destruction. The first photo is clearly an atomic cloud. I also found a prohibited cannon, known as a “Krud Launcher” (below). This fearsome weapon was reportedly capable of hitting Venice with chemical warheads. To those who say that Saddam Monica did not have weapons of mass destruction, I say, “Ha, the pictures speak for themselves!”

Even if the previous photos do not conclusively prove that Saddam Monica had weapons of mass destruction, the torture of the Saddam Monica people cannot be denied. When the Anti-Bath Party of Saddam Monica became the Green Party, it tortured property owners by environmentally friendly means. Most notorious of these means was the “Giant Onion,” where property owners were imprisoned in giant onions and deprived of general rent adjustments. I found one of these infernal devices in Palisades Park.

The final photo is the device known as “The Roller.” It was used for “Traffic Calming” projects where the streets were barricaded with speed bumps, median strips and curb extensions to slow invading armies, ambulances and fire trucks. The poor people in the third photo (who were forced to pull this horrible implement) were certainly happy to be liberated by American troops.

So that is my report from Saddam Monica. And if you don’t believe it, that’s your tough luck because the travel is so slow because of years of “Traffic Calming” that you are not likely to be able to visit the places covered by this report within a reasonable amount of time. But you can be sure that if President Bush decides to invade Saddam Monica, American troops will be warmly welcomed as liberators by the oppressed property owners.